The Dick and Mary Smith Chronicles

I'm moving from NYC to SF, but first, before I find an apt in SF, I'm making a stop off to live/hang with my parents, Dick and Mary Smith. That's literally their names. And my mom's maiden name is SMITH.

If they were really funny, they would have named me Jane and gotten a dog Spot. Or named me Spot and the dog Jane. Spot Smith. hmm. And named my sister White Girl. White Girl Smith.

So, my parents kick off the excitement of me coming home by calling me and telling me that my bat shit crazy sister has "done something good for herself."

"What'd she do?" I say, already pissed off.

"Guess." my mom says

"What?! This is lame, mom, umm she went to a mental institution?"

My mom repeats what I said to my dad, and I hear them both laugh. "No, guess again," she says.

"MOM! This is stupid, I'm never gonna guess! What is it?"

"She went to rehab."

My sister's really into stealing my thunder, so of course, when I'm going back to live in the area I grew up and be close to my family for the first time in 9 years, she has to drama the fuck out and do extreme things like going to rehab. Whenever my next success is, I'm sure she'll suddenly go blind, or become Mormon or discover a new species.

"Fuck!" I say, "How long's she gonna be in there?"

"Karen, DON'T SWEAR! I don't know," my mom says

"Well find out! We got season tickets together (49ers)! And I want hers!"

"Well, your Dad and I can go with you."

"FUCK!"

Perfect timing to choose to go back to CAL. But I guess there's never a better time, just jump into the fire, New York Style.

Oh, and my parents have DIAL UP! and they live in a retirement community where you have to be 55 and older to live there and my mom said they have to hide me, which oddly makes me feel young, but not free.

Also my mom yelled at me that I can't skateboard in the neighborhood. I feel like Dennis the Menace already, and I hope to god there's a Mr. Wilson in the neighborhood. In fact, my sister's married name is Wilson...hmmmmm. This is gonna be fun....stay tuned