Quit Dickin' Around

Dick is a very old school guy. He grew up pretty much taking care of himself and hasn't been given any handouts. Because of that, he has a lot if wisdom, if you can get it outta him by getting past his gruff "Walter Kowalski" exterior. He's usually pretty quiet and just surveys the scene. It's obvious that has opinions and thoughts but he files them away, ready to open them when the time is right. He is definitely not a victim and simply does not deal with bullshit of any kind.

He recently quit smoking after 45! Years. He's been grumpy as hell but he doesn't have a cough anymore, or gurgling in his throat, so that's cool. He can be grumpy if he wants.

The subject was brought up while on a family trip last week, that I was convieniently not present for. Dick, Mary, my sister and her husband were at In n Out. Everyone was praising him for quitting smoking:

"It really is amazing that you just quit cold turkey after 45 years."

"Yeah, you should be proud. They say it's one of the hardest things to kick"

Dick had had enough of this touchy feely shit. "It's not that hard to do! You can do anything you put your mind to!"

His speech got faster and more abrupt as irritation filled his voice

"It's all bullshit. Anyone can do it! You just have to!"

Everyone fell silent as his intensity grew.

"I just told myself to do it! And I did it! You can do anything you put your mind to!"

Everyone was uncomfortable and afraid that he was going to let loose on them: "Do you want that French fry? Just put your mind to it! Fucking chew it and swallow it! That's all there is to it! You just fucking do it! You just eat the shit out of it!"

Dick doesn't want your accolades or sympathy. He just wants you to shut the fuck up. And probably a cigarette.

Still Under the Moon

Oh man. Mary is SO CONFUSED about FacePage.

Last week she told me FacePage makes no sense because, (hold on to your socks, this is going to blow your mind) it's the opposite of email!

"What?!!"

"Well, with email, I type on my page and send it to my friend. With FacePage, I have to go to my friends page and type them a message. When I want to tell my friends about myself I write on my own page?! It makes so sense."

The News Feed is also complete goblyteegook. "I didn't sign up for that news feed, I don't know what it is. Why are people posting on my news feed? I thought I'm supposed to type about myself."

This morning I had the below on my FacePage:


Maybe she'll fare better with Twitter. Or get really bored with it and quit after 3 weeks, like everyone else.

Nuts

THAT is Mary's crazy new "pet." She named the crazy bastard that's hanging on the screen and DEMANDING peanuts, Happy and his apprentice in background, Sunshine.

She feeds them when they come around and she has now attracted this blue jay who is her arch nemesis. When she sees him, she PELTS him with peanuts. Shouting, "Oh, you rat bag! Get away blue jay!" as she CHUCKS more peanuts at him. Of course, this is why the 'rat bag' returns. Everytime he shows up, it rains peanuts.

Happy and Sunshine are completely unruly and I'm afraid they are going to eat my eyeballs out of my skull one day. I hear them in the morning violently leaping onto the screen door to get Mary's attention and food.

I'm pretty positive they would walk in and make themselves a sandwich if she left the door open. [editors note: Imagining squirrels getting a plate and opening bread, then using a knife to spread peanut butter on the bread is making me preeeeeeetty happy right now. HAPPY.]

Mary also has hummingbird feeders and when she sees a hummingbird, she shouts "There's a hummer!" I think my dad gets a lil excited everytime.

The house has turned into an animal kingdom, she's like Snow effing White but with a horrible voice and more jazz hands.

Cock Block

I've had a lot of experiences on trains, buses and rails after living in Manhattan and now living outside of SF and taking BART. (I just made myself sound like a travelin' hobo)

On public transpo, there are some consistent characters you'll get, no matter what city you're in.

One of my faves is the attention starved, rappin' distrupter. These are generally dudes that are listening to loud music, bobbing their heads furiously to the beat and singing the lyrics loudly.

To combat my irritation, I imagine a giant dick in front of them. So, in my mind their bobbin' on a hard dick instead of some hard beats.

It IMMEDIATELY dissolves my anger and resentment towards these needy fucks. I've realized that this comes in handy not just on the train, but in any situation where you're confronted with transparent desperation.

I highly recommend it in any situation, with a boss, ex, stupid driver, anyone. You can also use the "Nice Ass" comment if your confrontation becomes verbal.

Below is an illustration of what's in my mind when one of these morons strikes:

Don't Jew Know I'm Not the One Jew're Looking For?

I got a new phone number a while ago and it's pretty clear that whoever had this number before me was not only in debt, but was also a pretty serious Jew. I know debt and Jew don't go in the same sentence, but I'm just reporting the facts.

I'm constantly getting texts wishing me a happy shabbos and other holidays that I can't pronouce or have any idea what they're for.

I got the text below today:

from, Supportive Jew: have a quick and easy fast. Legen...dary.

I usually ignore these but after THAT signature? How could I?

my response: fastings for suckas. I'm eatin' my way through this thing. plus a crap load of margs.

Haven't heard anything back. :(

Mid-day Updates

Mary woke me up this morning by asking for help "with this facepage."

Mary's recent status update wasn't so much an update as it was a really a long message to my cousin about how my dad stopped smoking or "puffing up" as she put it. I guess that's why she needed help with facepage. SOS

It definitely smelled like a gentle mixture of farts and bath and body works on the train this morning. So not all bad.

Sexual Man-rassment

My new game is to sexually harass men on the street. It's strangely satisfying and you should try it. There are a few rules I suggest you follow to squeeze (asses) the most joy out of this practice.

1) The dude has to be with at least one other dude, groups of dudes are the best

2) Its best to harass when you are with at least one other person.

3) The dude must be good-looking, we're not trying to hurt any one's feelings or be rude, blah blah blah. We're simply trying to shock some probably overly egotistical dudes into even more reason to be egotistical/confused.

Here are my findings so far:

Dudes LOVE this. Almost every time, they get extremely confused and embarrassed. My friend is convinced it makes them feel good about themselves in the end, so its actually good-spirited.

I have harassed 2 times on the street, the following are my accounts:

1) My first time. I was a little nervous as I saw a group of guys waiting for the light across the street. I told my co-worker that this was it. They came walking towards me, the baby-faced ginger kid was talking and I singled him out. As he walked by me, I got in his ear and said "Hey Good-lookin!" He stopped talking and him and his friends were confused. I, of course, laughed my ass off and didn't really see the rest of his reaction.

2) A group of about 5 guys in suits, carrying hard hats! came walking towards me. They were asking for it. As their sexy asses came plowin' towards me, I singled out one stud muffin and as he walked past me, I turned and said "nice ass!" He looked at me, confused and I said "Yeah, sweetheart, I'm talkin' to you." Him and his co-workers did not know what to do or say, they just kept looking back at me and my co-workers laughing our asses off.

In conclusion, this will be one of the most rewarding acts you do today. You will be rewarded and the dude will definitely be rewarded. I clearly had more success with the "Nice ass!" comment, so I suggest that or something like it.

Happy hunting!

Don't Let the Homeless Man Get You Down

This morning on the train, a homeless couple that reeked of patchouli and booze were talking all crazy and clearly just riding the trains back and forth. I think that was their plan for today. Also, one of them had no shoes and crusty-ass toe nails.

I'm also pretty sure they were mocking me for being part of the matrix and going to robot work. They have a point. I mean, I have to be somewhere I don't want to be, and they only have to worry about train-hopping and where to get their next tall can and/or John.

But I do have a pedicure. So, homeless couple 1, me 1.

I was this confused when I started FaceBook too

I don't know if this is a thinly veiled attempt at sympathy or what but below is the first post I've gotten from Mary, who is a newcomer to Facebook, and any and all things beyond paper and pencil.


At least she used 'your' in the proper way, unlike most of you.