Mid-day Updates

Mary woke me up this morning by asking for help "with this facepage."

Mary's recent status update wasn't so much an update as it was a really a long message to my cousin about how my dad stopped smoking or "puffing up" as she put it. I guess that's why she needed help with facepage. SOS

It definitely smelled like a gentle mixture of farts and bath and body works on the train this morning. So not all bad.

Sexual Man-rassment

My new game is to sexually harass men on the street. It's strangely satisfying and you should try it. There are a few rules I suggest you follow to squeeze (asses) the most joy out of this practice.

1) The dude has to be with at least one other dude, groups of dudes are the best

2) Its best to harass when you are with at least one other person.

3) The dude must be good-looking, we're not trying to hurt any one's feelings or be rude, blah blah blah. We're simply trying to shock some probably overly egotistical dudes into even more reason to be egotistical/confused.

Here are my findings so far:

Dudes LOVE this. Almost every time, they get extremely confused and embarrassed. My friend is convinced it makes them feel good about themselves in the end, so its actually good-spirited.

I have harassed 2 times on the street, the following are my accounts:

1) My first time. I was a little nervous as I saw a group of guys waiting for the light across the street. I told my co-worker that this was it. They came walking towards me, the baby-faced ginger kid was talking and I singled him out. As he walked by me, I got in his ear and said "Hey Good-lookin!" He stopped talking and him and his friends were confused. I, of course, laughed my ass off and didn't really see the rest of his reaction.

2) A group of about 5 guys in suits, carrying hard hats! came walking towards me. They were asking for it. As their sexy asses came plowin' towards me, I singled out one stud muffin and as he walked past me, I turned and said "nice ass!" He looked at me, confused and I said "Yeah, sweetheart, I'm talkin' to you." Him and his co-workers did not know what to do or say, they just kept looking back at me and my co-workers laughing our asses off.

In conclusion, this will be one of the most rewarding acts you do today. You will be rewarded and the dude will definitely be rewarded. I clearly had more success with the "Nice ass!" comment, so I suggest that or something like it.

Happy hunting!

Don't Let the Homeless Man Get You Down

This morning on the train, a homeless couple that reeked of patchouli and booze were talking all crazy and clearly just riding the trains back and forth. I think that was their plan for today. Also, one of them had no shoes and crusty-ass toe nails.

I'm also pretty sure they were mocking me for being part of the matrix and going to robot work. They have a point. I mean, I have to be somewhere I don't want to be, and they only have to worry about train-hopping and where to get their next tall can and/or John.

But I do have a pedicure. So, homeless couple 1, me 1.

I was this confused when I started FaceBook too

I don't know if this is a thinly veiled attempt at sympathy or what but below is the first post I've gotten from Mary, who is a newcomer to Facebook, and any and all things beyond paper and pencil.


At least she used 'your' in the proper way, unlike most of you.

I forgot to tell you about this

I received the below email and youtube link from a co-worker a few months back, I'm not sure why I didn't share it before now. I'm trying not to ruin the punchline, but, let's just say, he compares me to a retarded woman. Who likes Star Trek.

From: Asshole Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 11:33 AM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: I don't know if this is real or not

I can’t tell if this is a great set up or I’m going to hell for laughing. But anyway she reminds me of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV6CbVDcI_c&feature=related

Here's a lil taste:



PSiloveyou: He's also the same guy who told my other co-worker that she looked like a Russian prostitute when she had a black eye from snowboarding face first.

RIP Tappy Two

Unfortunately, Mr. Tapps(aka Shadow) had to be put down. :( He had cancer. My parents got Tapps to help our dog Bubba when his partner in crime, our other dog Sam, died and Bubba lost his damn mind. The second we brought Shadow home, Bubba reclaimed his damn mind. Shads was a great dog and he is missed greatly.

But don't worry, Tappy's ashes are displayed eerily above the pellet stove. (its not how they got his ashes.) Dick cuts Mary's hair but they're not so cheap as to cremate their own dog. Also above the pellet stove, are Bubba and Sam's ashes, which Mary has informed me that she would like to have all their ashes mixed with her's when she dies. Amen.

Here is my asshole picture, because I have to make a joke out of everything. Particularly those things that touch my heart.

Current Events with the Smiths

Sunday

I watched the Super Bowl with Dick and as soon as Old Man Springstein hit the stage for the halftime show, Dick said:

"Janice Jackson would have been a much better choice."

I have no idea how Dick even knows who "Janice" is, or why out of all the artists he could have mentioned as a better choice than Springstein, he chose "Janice." But, I'm just gonna go with it's because "Janice" flashed her tits at the Super Bowl a few years ago.

About 2 minutes later, Mary walked in, saw Springstein was on and said "Remember when that Janet Jackson showed her boobs?"

Dick pipes up again, "I think Janice Jackson would have been a better choice."


Tuesday

My parents were discussing Michael Phelps being photographed smoking pot. Mary is furious and thinks he's a idiot for throwing away all his endorsements. Afterall, as you may remember, Mary has been in the Olympics and she did it without steroids or pot.

"I bet his mom wants to slap him in the balls. Why would he let someone take his picture?"

"I don't know Mom, he's not very smart."

"Well, he must have been high or drunk to let someone do that."

"ummmm, yup."

To Mary, There's No Such Thing as a Cease Fire, Even on the Holiest of Days

Pretty much the only highlight from Xmas came from "Mad Dogg Mary."

As you may remember, Mary and Dick are now in a gang and they take their reputation very seriously, as is proven in the following Christmas Tale...

Each Xmas we head to our friend's house for dinner, laughs, and some inevitable moments that we will surely rehash the next year. This moment is no exception.

There are 3 boys in the family. One of the boys' girlfriend has a kid. She's five. The kid, not the girlfriend.

She's never been a favorite considering last year she said this to one of the other boys "Sorry you didn't get me more presents."

We decided to play Wii. I had never played but apparently Mary is a fucking Wii champion. I have no clue how she's played before. Maybe it's part of her gang life. Seems fitting.

So, Wii bowling it is. Maddogg is up. I'm sitting directly behind her, (realizing where I get my pancake ass from) she motions backward, and as she brings her arm forward, I'm sure for a strike, The 5 year old runs in front, and Mary SMASHES her right in the face/side of the head. HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD. HILARIOUSLY* HARD.

The girl stumbles sideways, I'm surprised she's conscious, and an ottoman saves her from crashing to the floor like a safe.

I am in tears. I am laughing so hard. Outward with my joy. I look at Dick, flinching for fear I will be scolded for laughing. Thankfully, I'm not the only asshole and *he was cracking up too. We're a very sympathetic, compassionate family.

She was okay, but the entire party was laughing, even the girl's mom. I KNOW this wiill(see what I did there?) come up in therapy later on for the little goblin. A group of adults laughing their asses off at you while you tremble with fear and tears stream down your face? On Christmas!? She'll be peddling her ass for meth and male approval in no time (too far?)

At one point later in the night, I heard the girl ask her mom, "Is it safe to get off the couch now?"

On the way home, Maddogg was saying things like "I'm surprised I didn't knock out a tooth." "She'll probably have hearing problems."

So the moral of the Christmas Tale of 08 is: Don't fuck with Mary's Wii bowling score. She'll punch out your lights.

PS: It occured to me, maybe getting smashed with a Wii wand is some kind of initiation into the gang?

Thanks Dad, now you AND mom have both called me a man.

In case you don't remember, and we've discussed this so you should and if you don't you have a bad memory. Dick looks exactly like Geppetto from Pinnocchio

and the following is our email exchange from today:

From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 1:46 PM
To: Dick Smith;
Subject: hi!

Hey Pops
Did you get a second job building toys on the google homepage?

http://www.google.com/


____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:11 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

It looks like you and me working together

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:12 PM
To: Dick Smith
Subject: RE: hi!

Great dad. Now I’m a little boy? Realllllly great, Gepetto.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:28 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

I need to get my glasses adjusted -

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:29 PM
To: 'Dick Smith'
Subject: RE: hi!

Or I need to grow my hair longer.