Over the 9 years that I’ve been away from the Bay Area, my parents have mentioned some weird/disturbing things that I have pushed to the dark corners of my mind and never acknowledged (like most of my trips to Mexico)
Well, one of those "things" was brought up today…..this one is worse than the time when my parents moved to Iowa and almost lived in a trailer next to a meth house (I’m sure)
They reminded me today that MY DAD CUTS MY MOM’S HAIR.
Holy shit.
After several “Wait, Mom, are you serious?!” ‘Seriously, Mom, are you serious?” “No, Dad, is that true?” “No, you guys, Dad really cuts your hair?” “Seriously?” I asked why and where…..
They pointed to the outside patio area. My mom said it’s convenient and you never have to make an appointment and it’s free. All great points, I’ll give her that, except my dad isn’t a barber or stylist and I’m sure he cuts her hair with a dull pair of scissors they bought from Pac n Save in 1988. Or just a knife and a razor. Or a wing and a prayer, I don't know.
Apparently my Aunt Evelyn has even been blessed with the stylings of Hair by Dick Smith, too. Which means he's offered his services to the family, or my mom has promoted him...unbelievable.
Just put yourself in my shoes, imagine your DAD cutting your MOM’s hair! Its weird and hilarious and absurd, but also makes so much sense that everything feels normal. And when I say normal, I mean completely bat shit crazy.
The only way this could possibly be more white trash is if he cut her hair into a mullet.
My parents couldn’t just leave me be with that info, but then they assaulted me with the reminder of their lunch ritual at Costco every weekend. I often got calls in NYC while they were at Costco, “having lunch.”
“Having lunch” obviously means walking around the store getting free samples.
“There’s so much variety,” my Dad says.
“Do you guys get hot dogs or pretzels or something afterwards?” I ask.
“NO! We’re always so full. We make several rounds,” My mom says as pops shakes his head in agreement.
Thank you Dick and Mary, for unabashedly living like its 1929.
PS My Dad said when my mom’s ready for a cut, he’ll let me watch so he can demonstrate. Yes, I will film it.
PPS Yes, that photo is actually my mom and dad...
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4 comments:
this post makes me want to come and live with you and the Smiths for a day, but also fills me with feelings of shock and horror.
free and no appt necessary!? i will have to stop by for a trim of the ol' fro next time i'm in the bay area.
my dad dies my moms hair
haha.
fuck that costco routine. the hot dogs with soda are like 1.50. that's stupid cheap. and they won't even swing that!! it's worth my time not to have to walk around to all the stupid stations and have old bitches try to sell me their granola mix.
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