Sunny G Fall Olympics 2008

This is the first entry in a series called "The Dick and Mary Smith Olympics."

I will think of a game and have my parents compete, whether they know it or not. I'm not sure what the prize or point will be, except for pitting them against each other.

I can't wait until my parents are way older and I can really mess with them.

Our first challenge is, "Animal Cracker, Your Mind is Cracked"

I bought some Animal Crackers (vegan, of course, which is kinda ironic). I started off by just shoving those fuckers in my mouth, but I peered over at my dad who was in need of some interaction. And when I say interaction, I mean he was completely focused on watching his favorite show, NCIS, and I needed attention.

I said, "Dad, let's play a game. Guess the animal. I shove my hand in front of his face. What is it?"

"Seal!" he says

"Nice, Pops. You're not as old as you appear."

Next, I hold this one upside down...

"What the hell is that?!" he grabs it outta my hand, turns it right side up, "A kangaroo?!"

"Alright, how bout this one?"


"A birdhouse!"

"Whoa, Dad! These are Animal Crackers, not Animal House Crackers!"

My mom sits down, I announce the beginning of the Dick and Mary Olympics. Dick just continues to watch TV and never acknowledges me, until I say, "Okay mom, get ready for challenge #1, Dad pretty much already lost."

"Story of my life." me mumbles.

"Okay mom, what animal is this?"


"Giraffe."

"Wow, you already blasted Dad outta the water, he said birdhouse!" I say as my mom laughs her ass off and my dad sighs and continues to watch NCIS.

Then she gets the seal right, then I show her the Kangaroo.

"A monkey??!" she says as she makes a monkey gesture, scratching her arm pits.

"What?! Mom, no! Its a kangaroo. You and Dick are totally tied!"

So the results of the first challenge in the Dick and Mary Smith Olympics are a tie.

Do you have any game suggestions? Please send them to me here, or on facebook, or on IM or however else you tell me I need to update my blog more often. Thanks!

Right Back Atcha, Mare!

A few weeks ago, I finally convinced my parents to get high speed internet. I couldn't take the dial-up anymore.

Mary just about lost her marbles when I told her she didn't need to pay for AOL to get on the internet anymore. My dad nodded in agreement, like he always knew, even though they've been paying 30 bucks a month to AOL for like 10 years.

Amazingly, having wireless internet in the house leads my mom to believe that she now has the power of the internet where ever she goes. Like to the mall, or to get her oil changed, or while walking the dog. She thinks because she's paid for internet in THE HOUSE, it follows her and she should be able to CHECK HER EMAIL anywhere.

She brought along her laptop to the mall and thinks that while she's there, she can hook onto our network, AT HOME. IN SUNNY G. I can just imagine her in Sears, trying to get a signal...

All she does is check her email, that's it. That's all the internet is to her. Mail from the future. Future Mail. I didn't tell her differently, that she'd be out of our network range, I'll let her learn the hard way.

Like the time she let me learn the hard way and bought VO5 hot oil, microwaved that shit and tried it out on my scalp before hers!

It was like that feeling you get when you wash your hair with LAVA, ya know what I'm talking about? Oh you don't? Because your mom never abused you with product? I still have burn scars from that! I looked like DJ AM (too early?)

Wait till Mary finds out about blackberries! It will be like showing a caveman a Big Mac. (I mean not only because of the not having to personally kill your food, but because they don't know what special sauce is and it would probably be really good to their ancient taste buds)


PS the box says "reduces frizz." That's the most honest adversiting yet, you're lucky if you can grow hair again.

Rejector the Inspector

Mary does super cool things for me that I usually don't appreciate until I realize that I'm being a bitch for not appreciating all the super cool things she does for me.

For instance: I asked Mary if she had any mouthwash. Simple question. She said "no." Simple answer.

When I got home from work that night, there was some mouthwash waiting for me in the bathroom! Awww, how nice!

Yeah, it's really nice, except the part where she bought me mouthwash:



Dear Mom,

Thanks for the thoughtful personal hygiene item, however, there are some things I should point out. I realize that this was probably the cheapest mouthwash in the aisle because its called "Inspector Hector" which sounds like some pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Which leads me to my next and final point, please don't buy me things that I have to put in my mouth that sound like a pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Thanks.

Sincerely Yours,

KS. I love you.

PS: I'm 27 years old. And this seems like it would cause cavities, not give me "Top Secret Bubblegum" flavor breath.

PPS: Is that a speculum in the olde Inspector's hand?

Big Dick Smith

My dad's co-workers seriously call him "Big Dick Smith." They also think he looks like Geppetto.



This couldn't be more accurate, and I'd make some joke about my sister having a big nose back in the day but getting a nose job, so that'd make her Pinocchio, but if she ever found out that I told people she had a nose job, she'd be pissed. So I won't. Call her Pinocchio.

I'd like to take Dick Smith to the next level so I've come up with some versatile ways to use Dick. To sew Dick's wild oats, to spread Dick's seed. Dick is going to be bigger than "hella."


"I tried that product and it didn't do Dick Smith for me!"

"Quit Dick Smith'n around!"

"Don't be a Dick, Smith."

"I totally just got Dick Smith'd over."

I shouldn'ta left you, without a dope beat to step to

Things I've been told in the past week:

1) Kelly Deez told me I need to single handedly bring back the skirt overall. Which I am considering. But based on the above picture, the hipsters are already after it.

2) Genius Stacy suggested that my mom call Tappy 2, "Mr. Tapps." I mistakenly made the suggestion, so now Mary's saying "Mr Tapps!" and pointing at Shadow left and right. Thanks Stace. But I will say, Mr. Tapps is clearly the name of a tap dancing dog that would absolutely wear a top hat.

3) Yesterday morning my mom said she needed to take Tappy to get his nails trimmed, and then did a tap dancing gesture with her hands for 20 seconds too long.

4) Yesterday evening she told me that "Tappy got his nails trimmed" accompanied by the hand tap dancing gesture, but for less unnecessary seconds this time.

5) Mary said that she sometimes takes her blind friend's extra dog harness and puts it on Shadow so she can take him into stores with her. Once she got confronted by a woman who said "He seems too old to be a service dog." Mary said, "Well, they're training old dogs now." She missed her mark though, by not saying "You CAN teach old dogs new tricks..." However, she redeemed herself when she told me she puts shoe polish on Shadow's face to make him look younger. Who has shoe polish?

6) I asked my bro what she's up to and she told me this: "i was actually just getting kinda annoyed with you for not posting now that your girl's on the scene.."

7) Love is distracting. (GAY)