An Olde Family Classic

I wrote this while in NYC a few years back, and thought I'd dust it off, because who doesn't like a good banana peel story?

Today while on the subway, I ACTUALLY saw someone slip on a banana peel! I almost cried I was so happy. That's one more thing to scratch off my list of things I want to see in my life. I love when events that are usually only possible in cartoons happen right in front of your eyes.

Once, at the kitchen table, I put a big glob of mashed potatoes on my spoon, pulled it back like a catapult and aimed it at my sisters face. I let go, and to my surprise, hit her right in the eye. Its one of the best memories I have as a child, especially because she has NO sense of humor and ran into her room. She really doesn't think anything is funny. Not even Sinbad or that cute little Amanda Bines, or even George Bush.

In the 2000 presidential elections, my sister had a TIME magazine that she wanted to keep with Bush and Gore on the cover. I did what every good citizen did at that time and promptly drew a mustache on Dubs. FUNNY. Not to my sister. She told on me. Yup, I was 18 and she was 23, she told on me. Luckily, Mary and Dick are democrats, but they didn't take too kindly when I drew a stache on Jesus. I know he already has one, but I gave him a really dope one that he could twirl if he wanted.

KSiloveyou:
Nanner peels.

NetFix part 2

You may remember from a previous post, that I sometimes order ridiculous movies for my parents as payback for hijacking my Netflix account.

Well, finally, the screening of Beverly Hills Chihuahua commenced. Firstly, its kinda hilarious that my parents will watch whatever comes in the mail, like they can't waste it.

Anyway, I was present during the movie, just so I could document their reactions and reap the benefits of my lame joke. Mary and Dick mostly sat in complete horror and boredom, but I managed to document a few gems.

As the movie began, Mary said, "Is this a true story, Karen?"

I had previously read the synopsis to Mary, and let me remind you what the plot of this movie is if you weren't one of the six people that saw it:
Privileged Chihuahua Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore) rides in style in her owner's designer handbag -- until the pampered pooch gets lost during a Mexican vacation and must find her way home with help from some newfound canine friends. Salma Hayek, George Lopez, Edward James Olmos, Cheech Marin and Andy Garcia also lend their voices to the cast of this whimsical live-action comedy directed by Raja Gosnell.

"Yeah its based on a true story, Mom."

About halfway through the movie, Dick was sighing and was clearly displeased, "Who ordered this movie, Karen? Now tell the truth."

"Mom did."

"No I didn't!" Mary spouts.

"Why? You don't like it, Dad?"

He mumbles bitterly, "It's kind of ridiculous."

"I think its cute!" Mary counters.

"Mom, why do you order these kind of movies?"

"Just to piss off your dad."

Perfect, now Mary's in on the joke. Dick better be prepared for "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and "Mars Attacks."

Dr. Irony

I saw this dude, obviously a doctor, wearing a tshirt that said "Actually, medicine is the best medicine."

As he walked toward me, I said, "You got a problem with laughter, man?"

He didn't think that was very funny. So, yeah, I guess he does. Or

Bored Games

My friend is reluctantly on Match.com. I think she's on there just to be reminded as to why she doesn't date these dudes, but also for the incredibly absurd emails she gets.

She received one today and asked me to write the response.

Here’s the dudes email:

so yeah, fun and stuff. i'm also into that sort of thing. perhaps we should get together at some point and invent a new board game with human-sized pieces?

- John

Here's what I wrote, and she sent it:

Dear “John”

When you say board games, what exactly do you mean? Like connect 4? Because I know a few people who look sorta like checkers, so this could really work out great. Its rare to find someone who likes fun and laughter, so we should probably get together asap. We’re like a dying breed. Its like we’re the last 2 dinos on earth and if we don’t hook up, fun and laughterosaurous will be extinct forever.

But seriously, I’m down to get together and chat about origami, sewing and popsicle houses.

- Jane

Its a match.com made in popsicle heaven. I think I may have found a new job.


KSiloveyou: Below is the first version that she vetoed:
Dear “John”

When you say board games, what exactly do you mean? Like connect 4? Because I know a few people who look sorta like checkers, so this could really work out great. Maybe we have our next bay to breakers costumes? I don’t know, I’m just riffing here, going straight off the top of my head. I tend to do that a lot. It’s a part of my daily ritual, it helps me deal with any changes or unexpected events that life throws at me, you know, like pregnancy or Michael Jackson’s death.

I really liked your email, but I’m not sure if I completely get it or if you’re just some sewer rat trying to get a piece of cheese. Either way, sure, you can buy me a few drinks.

You have a beard in some pictures and are clean shaven in others. What am I supposed to believe “John?” Which one’s the real you? Or do you have a twin and you guys like to play games with girl's hearts? Sicko.

Talk to you soon!
-Jane

Scary Mary

Yesterday, while on the train home, the dude next to me had a case of the sleep jumpies. Ya know, when you fall asleep then awkwardly jolt awake. Well, this fucker did it 9 times!! I counted.

I had already had too much coffee and Jumpy Jenkins next to me wasn't helping. The first time he sleep jumped, he violently leaped like 3 feet in the air and scared the shit out of me. My immediate reaction was to punch him in the face, almost like a gargoyle just appeared over my left shoulder. For example:

With my nerves shot from Jack I nap like a dog Jolter, I got home, pulled my car into the garage and headed toward the house. As soon as I got to the door, Mary POPS out at me, from the bushes, yelling, "AHHHHHH!" Which forces me to jump and subsequently yell "AHHHH!"

"Jesus, mom! That scared me. For the 10th time today."

"Welcome home!"

NetFoiled

Dick and Mary hijacked my Netflix account.

Once they figured out that I was paying for it, and any movie could be rented, suddenly my recommendations went from A Mighty Wind, Donnie Darko and Kill Bill to several subtitled Japanese movies, because they rented a Japanese film once and thought every preview looked amazing, so they put them on the que, one about learning Christian values through hard work, and movies like "Songcatcher" - "During a visit to her sister in Appalachia, gifted musicologist Dr. Lily Penleric stumbles upon a musical treasure trove -- dozens of Scots-Irish ballads that have been preserved for generations by the local populace and are unknown to the outside world. Intent on collecting the beautiful songs, Dr. Penleric comes to admire the locals, who live a tough, hardscrabble existence without complaint"

Did you fall asleep? If the people from Little House on the Prarie knew what movies were and then could rent them, that's what they would have rented.

Mary gets pissed if she returns a movie and the one that comes in place of it is a DVD for me. She has also yelled at me if there are not 2 movies available for the weekend.

My parents sometimes rely on me to pick out movies for them. So I'll add movies like Gran Torino and Last Chance Harvey. When I get bored and want to get a rise out of them, and remind them just who's paying for this, I rent something ridiculous that I know they'll be confused and/or angry about.

I just got an email that Beverly Hills Chihuahua is on it's way. Mary will love it for a minute because it's called Beverly Hills Chihuahua but quickly will become bored and indifferent and probably get on her cell phone, leaving Dick to seethe about what a waste of time this is and wishing he was watching a Food Network challenge instead.

The thought of Dick alone in the family room, watching those gay little dogs dance about the Mayan Ruins is wonderful.


When they question me why I added this movie, I will "remind" them that they asked me to put it on the que. And Dick will get even more pissed at Mary.

It arrives today. I'll let you know what the reviews are.

Ksiloveyou: I have no idea what hardscrabble means, but I'm going to use it. You'll see.

Quit Dickin' Around

Dick is a very old school guy. He grew up pretty much taking care of himself and hasn't been given any handouts. Because of that, he has a lot if wisdom, if you can get it outta him by getting past his gruff "Walter Kowalski" exterior. He's usually pretty quiet and just surveys the scene. It's obvious that has opinions and thoughts but he files them away, ready to open them when the time is right. He is definitely not a victim and simply does not deal with bullshit of any kind.

He recently quit smoking after 45! Years. He's been grumpy as hell but he doesn't have a cough anymore, or gurgling in his throat, so that's cool. He can be grumpy if he wants.

The subject was brought up while on a family trip last week, that I was convieniently not present for. Dick, Mary, my sister and her husband were at In n Out. Everyone was praising him for quitting smoking:

"It really is amazing that you just quit cold turkey after 45 years."

"Yeah, you should be proud. They say it's one of the hardest things to kick"

Dick had had enough of this touchy feely shit. "It's not that hard to do! You can do anything you put your mind to!"

His speech got faster and more abrupt as irritation filled his voice

"It's all bullshit. Anyone can do it! You just have to!"

Everyone fell silent as his intensity grew.

"I just told myself to do it! And I did it! You can do anything you put your mind to!"

Everyone was uncomfortable and afraid that he was going to let loose on them: "Do you want that French fry? Just put your mind to it! Fucking chew it and swallow it! That's all there is to it! You just fucking do it! You just eat the shit out of it!"

Dick doesn't want your accolades or sympathy. He just wants you to shut the fuck up. And probably a cigarette.

Still Under the Moon

Oh man. Mary is SO CONFUSED about FacePage.

Last week she told me FacePage makes no sense because, (hold on to your socks, this is going to blow your mind) it's the opposite of email!

"What?!!"

"Well, with email, I type on my page and send it to my friend. With FacePage, I have to go to my friends page and type them a message. When I want to tell my friends about myself I write on my own page?! It makes so sense."

The News Feed is also complete goblyteegook. "I didn't sign up for that news feed, I don't know what it is. Why are people posting on my news feed? I thought I'm supposed to type about myself."

This morning I had the below on my FacePage:


Maybe she'll fare better with Twitter. Or get really bored with it and quit after 3 weeks, like everyone else.

Nuts

THAT is Mary's crazy new "pet." She named the crazy bastard that's hanging on the screen and DEMANDING peanuts, Happy and his apprentice in background, Sunshine.

She feeds them when they come around and she has now attracted this blue jay who is her arch nemesis. When she sees him, she PELTS him with peanuts. Shouting, "Oh, you rat bag! Get away blue jay!" as she CHUCKS more peanuts at him. Of course, this is why the 'rat bag' returns. Everytime he shows up, it rains peanuts.

Happy and Sunshine are completely unruly and I'm afraid they are going to eat my eyeballs out of my skull one day. I hear them in the morning violently leaping onto the screen door to get Mary's attention and food.

I'm pretty positive they would walk in and make themselves a sandwich if she left the door open. [editors note: Imagining squirrels getting a plate and opening bread, then using a knife to spread peanut butter on the bread is making me preeeeeeetty happy right now. HAPPY.]

Mary also has hummingbird feeders and when she sees a hummingbird, she shouts "There's a hummer!" I think my dad gets a lil excited everytime.

The house has turned into an animal kingdom, she's like Snow effing White but with a horrible voice and more jazz hands.

Cock Block

I've had a lot of experiences on trains, buses and rails after living in Manhattan and now living outside of SF and taking BART. (I just made myself sound like a travelin' hobo)

On public transpo, there are some consistent characters you'll get, no matter what city you're in.

One of my faves is the attention starved, rappin' distrupter. These are generally dudes that are listening to loud music, bobbing their heads furiously to the beat and singing the lyrics loudly.

To combat my irritation, I imagine a giant dick in front of them. So, in my mind their bobbin' on a hard dick instead of some hard beats.

It IMMEDIATELY dissolves my anger and resentment towards these needy fucks. I've realized that this comes in handy not just on the train, but in any situation where you're confronted with transparent desperation.

I highly recommend it in any situation, with a boss, ex, stupid driver, anyone. You can also use the "Nice Ass" comment if your confrontation becomes verbal.

Below is an illustration of what's in my mind when one of these morons strikes:

Don't Jew Know I'm Not the One Jew're Looking For?

I got a new phone number a while ago and it's pretty clear that whoever had this number before me was not only in debt, but was also a pretty serious Jew. I know debt and Jew don't go in the same sentence, but I'm just reporting the facts.

I'm constantly getting texts wishing me a happy shabbos and other holidays that I can't pronouce or have any idea what they're for.

I got the text below today:

from, Supportive Jew: have a quick and easy fast. Legen...dary.

I usually ignore these but after THAT signature? How could I?

my response: fastings for suckas. I'm eatin' my way through this thing. plus a crap load of margs.

Haven't heard anything back. :(

Mid-day Updates

Mary woke me up this morning by asking for help "with this facepage."

Mary's recent status update wasn't so much an update as it was a really a long message to my cousin about how my dad stopped smoking or "puffing up" as she put it. I guess that's why she needed help with facepage. SOS

It definitely smelled like a gentle mixture of farts and bath and body works on the train this morning. So not all bad.

Sexual Man-rassment

My new game is to sexually harass men on the street. It's strangely satisfying and you should try it. There are a few rules I suggest you follow to squeeze (asses) the most joy out of this practice.

1) The dude has to be with at least one other dude, groups of dudes are the best

2) Its best to harass when you are with at least one other person.

3) The dude must be good-looking, we're not trying to hurt any one's feelings or be rude, blah blah blah. We're simply trying to shock some probably overly egotistical dudes into even more reason to be egotistical/confused.

Here are my findings so far:

Dudes LOVE this. Almost every time, they get extremely confused and embarrassed. My friend is convinced it makes them feel good about themselves in the end, so its actually good-spirited.

I have harassed 2 times on the street, the following are my accounts:

1) My first time. I was a little nervous as I saw a group of guys waiting for the light across the street. I told my co-worker that this was it. They came walking towards me, the baby-faced ginger kid was talking and I singled him out. As he walked by me, I got in his ear and said "Hey Good-lookin!" He stopped talking and him and his friends were confused. I, of course, laughed my ass off and didn't really see the rest of his reaction.

2) A group of about 5 guys in suits, carrying hard hats! came walking towards me. They were asking for it. As their sexy asses came plowin' towards me, I singled out one stud muffin and as he walked past me, I turned and said "nice ass!" He looked at me, confused and I said "Yeah, sweetheart, I'm talkin' to you." Him and his co-workers did not know what to do or say, they just kept looking back at me and my co-workers laughing our asses off.

In conclusion, this will be one of the most rewarding acts you do today. You will be rewarded and the dude will definitely be rewarded. I clearly had more success with the "Nice ass!" comment, so I suggest that or something like it.

Happy hunting!

Don't Let the Homeless Man Get You Down

This morning on the train, a homeless couple that reeked of patchouli and booze were talking all crazy and clearly just riding the trains back and forth. I think that was their plan for today. Also, one of them had no shoes and crusty-ass toe nails.

I'm also pretty sure they were mocking me for being part of the matrix and going to robot work. They have a point. I mean, I have to be somewhere I don't want to be, and they only have to worry about train-hopping and where to get their next tall can and/or John.

But I do have a pedicure. So, homeless couple 1, me 1.

I was this confused when I started FaceBook too

I don't know if this is a thinly veiled attempt at sympathy or what but below is the first post I've gotten from Mary, who is a newcomer to Facebook, and any and all things beyond paper and pencil.


At least she used 'your' in the proper way, unlike most of you.

I forgot to tell you about this

I received the below email and youtube link from a co-worker a few months back, I'm not sure why I didn't share it before now. I'm trying not to ruin the punchline, but, let's just say, he compares me to a retarded woman. Who likes Star Trek.

From: Asshole Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 11:33 AM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: I don't know if this is real or not

I can’t tell if this is a great set up or I’m going to hell for laughing. But anyway she reminds me of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV6CbVDcI_c&feature=related

Here's a lil taste:



PSiloveyou: He's also the same guy who told my other co-worker that she looked like a Russian prostitute when she had a black eye from snowboarding face first.

RIP Tappy Two

Unfortunately, Mr. Tapps(aka Shadow) had to be put down. :( He had cancer. My parents got Tapps to help our dog Bubba when his partner in crime, our other dog Sam, died and Bubba lost his damn mind. The second we brought Shadow home, Bubba reclaimed his damn mind. Shads was a great dog and he is missed greatly.

But don't worry, Tappy's ashes are displayed eerily above the pellet stove. (its not how they got his ashes.) Dick cuts Mary's hair but they're not so cheap as to cremate their own dog. Also above the pellet stove, are Bubba and Sam's ashes, which Mary has informed me that she would like to have all their ashes mixed with her's when she dies. Amen.

Here is my asshole picture, because I have to make a joke out of everything. Particularly those things that touch my heart.

Current Events with the Smiths

Sunday

I watched the Super Bowl with Dick and as soon as Old Man Springstein hit the stage for the halftime show, Dick said:

"Janice Jackson would have been a much better choice."

I have no idea how Dick even knows who "Janice" is, or why out of all the artists he could have mentioned as a better choice than Springstein, he chose "Janice." But, I'm just gonna go with it's because "Janice" flashed her tits at the Super Bowl a few years ago.

About 2 minutes later, Mary walked in, saw Springstein was on and said "Remember when that Janet Jackson showed her boobs?"

Dick pipes up again, "I think Janice Jackson would have been a better choice."


Tuesday

My parents were discussing Michael Phelps being photographed smoking pot. Mary is furious and thinks he's a idiot for throwing away all his endorsements. Afterall, as you may remember, Mary has been in the Olympics and she did it without steroids or pot.

"I bet his mom wants to slap him in the balls. Why would he let someone take his picture?"

"I don't know Mom, he's not very smart."

"Well, he must have been high or drunk to let someone do that."

"ummmm, yup."

To Mary, There's No Such Thing as a Cease Fire, Even on the Holiest of Days

Pretty much the only highlight from Xmas came from "Mad Dogg Mary."

As you may remember, Mary and Dick are now in a gang and they take their reputation very seriously, as is proven in the following Christmas Tale...

Each Xmas we head to our friend's house for dinner, laughs, and some inevitable moments that we will surely rehash the next year. This moment is no exception.

There are 3 boys in the family. One of the boys' girlfriend has a kid. She's five. The kid, not the girlfriend.

She's never been a favorite considering last year she said this to one of the other boys "Sorry you didn't get me more presents."

We decided to play Wii. I had never played but apparently Mary is a fucking Wii champion. I have no clue how she's played before. Maybe it's part of her gang life. Seems fitting.

So, Wii bowling it is. Maddogg is up. I'm sitting directly behind her, (realizing where I get my pancake ass from) she motions backward, and as she brings her arm forward, I'm sure for a strike, The 5 year old runs in front, and Mary SMASHES her right in the face/side of the head. HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD. HILARIOUSLY* HARD.

The girl stumbles sideways, I'm surprised she's conscious, and an ottoman saves her from crashing to the floor like a safe.

I am in tears. I am laughing so hard. Outward with my joy. I look at Dick, flinching for fear I will be scolded for laughing. Thankfully, I'm not the only asshole and *he was cracking up too. We're a very sympathetic, compassionate family.

She was okay, but the entire party was laughing, even the girl's mom. I KNOW this wiill(see what I did there?) come up in therapy later on for the little goblin. A group of adults laughing their asses off at you while you tremble with fear and tears stream down your face? On Christmas!? She'll be peddling her ass for meth and male approval in no time (too far?)

At one point later in the night, I heard the girl ask her mom, "Is it safe to get off the couch now?"

On the way home, Maddogg was saying things like "I'm surprised I didn't knock out a tooth." "She'll probably have hearing problems."

So the moral of the Christmas Tale of 08 is: Don't fuck with Mary's Wii bowling score. She'll punch out your lights.

PS: It occured to me, maybe getting smashed with a Wii wand is some kind of initiation into the gang?