I forgot to tell you about this

I received the below email and youtube link from a co-worker a few months back, I'm not sure why I didn't share it before now. I'm trying not to ruin the punchline, but, let's just say, he compares me to a retarded woman. Who likes Star Trek.

From: Asshole Co-worker
Sent: Tuesday, April 21, 2009 11:33 AM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: I don't know if this is real or not

I can’t tell if this is a great set up or I’m going to hell for laughing. But anyway she reminds me of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV6CbVDcI_c&feature=related

Here's a lil taste:



PSiloveyou: He's also the same guy who told my other co-worker that she looked like a Russian prostitute when she had a black eye from snowboarding face first.

RIP Tappy Two

Unfortunately, Mr. Tapps(aka Shadow) had to be put down. :( He had cancer. My parents got Tapps to help our dog Bubba when his partner in crime, our other dog Sam, died and Bubba lost his damn mind. The second we brought Shadow home, Bubba reclaimed his damn mind. Shads was a great dog and he is missed greatly.

But don't worry, Tappy's ashes are displayed eerily above the pellet stove. (its not how they got his ashes.) Dick cuts Mary's hair but they're not so cheap as to cremate their own dog. Also above the pellet stove, are Bubba and Sam's ashes, which Mary has informed me that she would like to have all their ashes mixed with her's when she dies. Amen.

Here is my asshole picture, because I have to make a joke out of everything. Particularly those things that touch my heart.

Current Events with the Smiths

Sunday

I watched the Super Bowl with Dick and as soon as Old Man Springstein hit the stage for the halftime show, Dick said:

"Janice Jackson would have been a much better choice."

I have no idea how Dick even knows who "Janice" is, or why out of all the artists he could have mentioned as a better choice than Springstein, he chose "Janice." But, I'm just gonna go with it's because "Janice" flashed her tits at the Super Bowl a few years ago.

About 2 minutes later, Mary walked in, saw Springstein was on and said "Remember when that Janet Jackson showed her boobs?"

Dick pipes up again, "I think Janice Jackson would have been a better choice."


Tuesday

My parents were discussing Michael Phelps being photographed smoking pot. Mary is furious and thinks he's a idiot for throwing away all his endorsements. Afterall, as you may remember, Mary has been in the Olympics and she did it without steroids or pot.

"I bet his mom wants to slap him in the balls. Why would he let someone take his picture?"

"I don't know Mom, he's not very smart."

"Well, he must have been high or drunk to let someone do that."

"ummmm, yup."

To Mary, There's No Such Thing as a Cease Fire, Even on the Holiest of Days

Pretty much the only highlight from Xmas came from "Mad Dogg Mary."

As you may remember, Mary and Dick are now in a gang and they take their reputation very seriously, as is proven in the following Christmas Tale...

Each Xmas we head to our friend's house for dinner, laughs, and some inevitable moments that we will surely rehash the next year. This moment is no exception.

There are 3 boys in the family. One of the boys' girlfriend has a kid. She's five. The kid, not the girlfriend.

She's never been a favorite considering last year she said this to one of the other boys "Sorry you didn't get me more presents."

We decided to play Wii. I had never played but apparently Mary is a fucking Wii champion. I have no clue how she's played before. Maybe it's part of her gang life. Seems fitting.

So, Wii bowling it is. Maddogg is up. I'm sitting directly behind her, (realizing where I get my pancake ass from) she motions backward, and as she brings her arm forward, I'm sure for a strike, The 5 year old runs in front, and Mary SMASHES her right in the face/side of the head. HARD. REALLY REALLY HARD. HILARIOUSLY* HARD.

The girl stumbles sideways, I'm surprised she's conscious, and an ottoman saves her from crashing to the floor like a safe.

I am in tears. I am laughing so hard. Outward with my joy. I look at Dick, flinching for fear I will be scolded for laughing. Thankfully, I'm not the only asshole and *he was cracking up too. We're a very sympathetic, compassionate family.

She was okay, but the entire party was laughing, even the girl's mom. I KNOW this wiill(see what I did there?) come up in therapy later on for the little goblin. A group of adults laughing their asses off at you while you tremble with fear and tears stream down your face? On Christmas!? She'll be peddling her ass for meth and male approval in no time (too far?)

At one point later in the night, I heard the girl ask her mom, "Is it safe to get off the couch now?"

On the way home, Maddogg was saying things like "I'm surprised I didn't knock out a tooth." "She'll probably have hearing problems."

So the moral of the Christmas Tale of 08 is: Don't fuck with Mary's Wii bowling score. She'll punch out your lights.

PS: It occured to me, maybe getting smashed with a Wii wand is some kind of initiation into the gang?

Thanks Dad, now you AND mom have both called me a man.

In case you don't remember, and we've discussed this so you should and if you don't you have a bad memory. Dick looks exactly like Geppetto from Pinnocchio

and the following is our email exchange from today:

From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 1:46 PM
To: Dick Smith;
Subject: hi!

Hey Pops
Did you get a second job building toys on the google homepage?

http://www.google.com/


____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:11 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

It looks like you and me working together

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:12 PM
To: Dick Smith
Subject: RE: hi!

Great dad. Now I’m a little boy? Realllllly great, Gepetto.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:28 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

I need to get my glasses adjusted -

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:29 PM
To: 'Dick Smith'
Subject: RE: hi!

Or I need to grow my hair longer.

Madd Dog Mary and Dangerous Dick

Don’t mess with Mary and Dick. Especially during the holidays.
Mary and Dick were out with their friends Laura and Ray on a Friday night in San Jose for a Christmas celebration/event.

But Dick and Mary take the celebration of the Lord as an opportunity to rain havoc on all those who cross them.

As they cruised up to the shopping center, Dick spotted a parking space, so he, Mare and Laura got out to block the space until Ray could swing around and grab it.

As the 3 amigos waited, a dude in a GOLD Mercedes pulled up and said he wanted that space. Even though another spot opened up 2 spots down, he wanted THAT space.

They said no, and he then started inching forward, like he was going to hit them. Things got very heated and intense, with shouting, swearing and pretending hitting with cars, as the standoff continued.

Mary, who gets mad at me if I say “hell” or “jesus” then shouted, “YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!” (as Mary was telling me this story, she paused and said “Did you hear what I just said? (mouth gaping) I said ASSHOLE!”)

Laura, who is super Christian, shouted at the man, “YOU HAVE THE CHEAPEST MERCEDES THERE IS! IT’S A LOW END MERCEDES!”

People in the parking structure were honking and yelling and cheering them on.
Ray finally found another spot, and came over to join the sit in. As he came over, Dick said to him, “Whatever you do don’t touch his car, they can get you if you mess up his car.”

Yelling and intimidation and intensity continued until Ray finally told everyone to cool down and just walk away. They all agreed and as they walked away Dick went to the driver’s side window and wanted to tell the guy “Merry fuckin’ Christmas.” When he didn’t roll it down, and heeding his own advice, Dick PUNCHED his window.

My parents told me this story like they had just robbed a bank and gotten away with it. My dad’s had was swollen and Mary was walking around the streets of San Francisco with swagger. Like “Get the fuck outta my way, I said asshole this weekend AND stood up to a man for taking away my parking rights!”

She also was wearing red mittens that looked like boxing gloves.

My parents are in a gang. A geriatric gang that will fuck with you if you do immoral things like try to take their parking spot. Or if you don't hold the door for them, or for jaywalking, or for cutting them off ( while talking or driving).

This seriously happened.

Mary Hates Beyonce

We were just watching the Rock Center tree lighting ceremony and Beyonce was singing. As Mary watched, she spouted off several comments, while Dick and I just sat there, dumbfounded by her wisdom.

It was like Mary and Beyonce have a disfunctional relationship, where Mary verbally abuses Beyonce, but then tries to make up for it with less than adequate compliments.

Word for word, this is what Mary said:

"What does she think this is? New Years? She looks like a ho from East Oakland."

Beyonce hits a high note

"She does have a good voice, doesn't she"

(a few seconds pass)

"She's not married, is she Karen?" I tell her she's married to Jay-Z.

"Loser."

The camera pulls in on a close-up

"Wow, look at those diamonds. I bet that idiot Puff Dizzy bought them for her."

"She does have nice eye shadow, though."

PS Obviously, I realize that picture is not of Beyonce, but Oprah, but that picture never fails to make me laugh (like my blog) and I've had that picture for a long time and I've been waiting to use it. Plus I hate, I mean dislike Oprah and I feel now is appropriate.

NostraMOMus

Mary is a wise, wise owl. She knows about the world and all its comings and goings. Although many of the things she says seem insane and nonsensical right off the bat, once you really let them sink in and marinate, 9 times outta 10 she's right. I give you the following.....

Mary on dieting: "Everyone wants to be pencil thin, Linda. They just don't eat. They just don't eat."

Mary on the economy: "You can't buy a car, they're too expensive. Well, you might as well buy a car. The government is going to take away your money anyway"

Mary on saving money on bills: "Just buy an electric blanket."

Mary on terrorism: "After 9/11 the terrorists haven't had to do anything. We're terrorizing ourselves."

Mary about the World Wide Web: "Can I go on the Internet and find sounds.....like rain?"

"Yeah"

"Wow. What can't you do on the Internet!?"

Mary on sports: "Bowling looks easy. But it's not."

Mary about Dick Smith: "I swear that man has rocks in his head"

And a final gem from Pops:

Dick about not having anything nice to say and shutting the fuck up: "Its like I've always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Prop h8te

I have purposefully stayed away from politics on my blog. This is an exception and I promise I won't discuss politics again, unless something really f'ed up or awesome happens again......

The only reason for voting yes on 8 that I've heard is some people are more "traditional." Well slavery was a tradition and so is missionary style. Do you only fuck in the vag, guy on top? I hope so, anything else would be less than traditional.

We didn't have to vote on your marriage. And if we did we sure as hell would have voted to make them a lot more fun. That's for damn sure. Chocolate cake, an open bar and dancing to "We Are Family?!" I can't take the elation!!

Also. I must bring up something that has really been bothering me. Black men were one of the largest demographics to vote yes on 8. Second was Latinos. I can't understand how groups of people who have been historically oppressed and discriminated against used their votes to do the same.

Yesterday, while on the train a group of teenagers got on and started yelling in all the white passengers faces about Obama and how white people are now doomed. Awesome. I feel the unity.

They asked me who I voted for, and were appalled when I didn't say Obamessiah. I told them Cynthia McKinney, a black woman. Their heads almost exploded.

Then they went on to bash gay people and one guy said he doesn't want to have to explain to his kids about a man loving a man.

The same way you explain a man loving a woman. Asshole.

I think of all the gay people who campaigned to get out the vote for Obama, only to have those votes take away their rights.

Anyway. I'll get off my soap box now and go back to being the funny, yet unequal girl and relay the humor in all of this, which is my job.

Most of my straight friends are more pissed off about this than I was.
I had many hilarious texts, voicemails and experiences.

Number one was Mary seeing some yes on 8 protesters, "Karen, is that what we're voting no on?". Uh, yeah I say, having no idea how delightful the next 15 seconds would be.

Mary slowed down, rolled down her window and shouted "No!!" I was so shocked, all I could do was shakily voiced shout "ddeeffiiinitteellyy voting nnno." Mare stole the show. As we drove away, she said "We totally took them off guard."

Then there's Julia telling a group of yes on h8ters to "Go back to the mid west"

I got this text: "Dude I just totally saw protesters for yes on prop 8 and I honked and flipped them off in your honor."

And this message "I was in weho for the halloween parade and saw a car with yes on 8 sticker. I yelled "Yes ON 8?" and poked my finger at the person in the back seat and imagined it was a dagger in their fat face. Then the guy behind me broke his wand on their trunk." Perfect.

In the words of Ryan Garton "I look to history for a sense of perspective. We gonna be aiiiight in the end." He's right, evolution is inevitable.

For those of you who voted yes, I'll pray for you. Or see you in hell