Thanks Dad, now you AND mom have both called me a man.

In case you don't remember, and we've discussed this so you should and if you don't you have a bad memory. Dick looks exactly like Geppetto from Pinnocchio

and the following is our email exchange from today:

From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 1:46 PM
To: Dick Smith;
Subject: hi!

Hey Pops
Did you get a second job building toys on the google homepage?

http://www.google.com/


____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:11 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

It looks like you and me working together

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:12 PM
To: Dick Smith
Subject: RE: hi!

Great dad. Now I’m a little boy? Realllllly great, Gepetto.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:28 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

I need to get my glasses adjusted -

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:29 PM
To: 'Dick Smith'
Subject: RE: hi!

Or I need to grow my hair longer.

Madd Dog Mary and Dangerous Dick

Don’t mess with Mary and Dick. Especially during the holidays.
Mary and Dick were out with their friends Laura and Ray on a Friday night in San Jose for a Christmas celebration/event.

But Dick and Mary take the celebration of the Lord as an opportunity to rain havoc on all those who cross them.

As they cruised up to the shopping center, Dick spotted a parking space, so he, Mare and Laura got out to block the space until Ray could swing around and grab it.

As the 3 amigos waited, a dude in a GOLD Mercedes pulled up and said he wanted that space. Even though another spot opened up 2 spots down, he wanted THAT space.

They said no, and he then started inching forward, like he was going to hit them. Things got very heated and intense, with shouting, swearing and pretending hitting with cars, as the standoff continued.

Mary, who gets mad at me if I say “hell” or “jesus” then shouted, “YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!” (as Mary was telling me this story, she paused and said “Did you hear what I just said? (mouth gaping) I said ASSHOLE!”)

Laura, who is super Christian, shouted at the man, “YOU HAVE THE CHEAPEST MERCEDES THERE IS! IT’S A LOW END MERCEDES!”

People in the parking structure were honking and yelling and cheering them on.
Ray finally found another spot, and came over to join the sit in. As he came over, Dick said to him, “Whatever you do don’t touch his car, they can get you if you mess up his car.”

Yelling and intimidation and intensity continued until Ray finally told everyone to cool down and just walk away. They all agreed and as they walked away Dick went to the driver’s side window and wanted to tell the guy “Merry fuckin’ Christmas.” When he didn’t roll it down, and heeding his own advice, Dick PUNCHED his window.

My parents told me this story like they had just robbed a bank and gotten away with it. My dad’s had was swollen and Mary was walking around the streets of San Francisco with swagger. Like “Get the fuck outta my way, I said asshole this weekend AND stood up to a man for taking away my parking rights!”

She also was wearing red mittens that looked like boxing gloves.

My parents are in a gang. A geriatric gang that will fuck with you if you do immoral things like try to take their parking spot. Or if you don't hold the door for them, or for jaywalking, or for cutting them off ( while talking or driving).

This seriously happened.

Mary Hates Beyonce

We were just watching the Rock Center tree lighting ceremony and Beyonce was singing. As Mary watched, she spouted off several comments, while Dick and I just sat there, dumbfounded by her wisdom.

It was like Mary and Beyonce have a disfunctional relationship, where Mary verbally abuses Beyonce, but then tries to make up for it with less than adequate compliments.

Word for word, this is what Mary said:

"What does she think this is? New Years? She looks like a ho from East Oakland."

Beyonce hits a high note

"She does have a good voice, doesn't she"

(a few seconds pass)

"She's not married, is she Karen?" I tell her she's married to Jay-Z.

"Loser."

The camera pulls in on a close-up

"Wow, look at those diamonds. I bet that idiot Puff Dizzy bought them for her."

"She does have nice eye shadow, though."

PS Obviously, I realize that picture is not of Beyonce, but Oprah, but that picture never fails to make me laugh (like my blog) and I've had that picture for a long time and I've been waiting to use it. Plus I hate, I mean dislike Oprah and I feel now is appropriate.

NostraMOMus

Mary is a wise, wise owl. She knows about the world and all its comings and goings. Although many of the things she says seem insane and nonsensical right off the bat, once you really let them sink in and marinate, 9 times outta 10 she's right. I give you the following.....

Mary on dieting: "Everyone wants to be pencil thin, Linda. They just don't eat. They just don't eat."

Mary on the economy: "You can't buy a car, they're too expensive. Well, you might as well buy a car. The government is going to take away your money anyway"

Mary on saving money on bills: "Just buy an electric blanket."

Mary on terrorism: "After 9/11 the terrorists haven't had to do anything. We're terrorizing ourselves."

Mary about the World Wide Web: "Can I go on the Internet and find sounds.....like rain?"

"Yeah"

"Wow. What can't you do on the Internet!?"

Mary on sports: "Bowling looks easy. But it's not."

Mary about Dick Smith: "I swear that man has rocks in his head"

And a final gem from Pops:

Dick about not having anything nice to say and shutting the fuck up: "Its like I've always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Prop h8te

I have purposefully stayed away from politics on my blog. This is an exception and I promise I won't discuss politics again, unless something really f'ed up or awesome happens again......

The only reason for voting yes on 8 that I've heard is some people are more "traditional." Well slavery was a tradition and so is missionary style. Do you only fuck in the vag, guy on top? I hope so, anything else would be less than traditional.

We didn't have to vote on your marriage. And if we did we sure as hell would have voted to make them a lot more fun. That's for damn sure. Chocolate cake, an open bar and dancing to "We Are Family?!" I can't take the elation!!

Also. I must bring up something that has really been bothering me. Black men were one of the largest demographics to vote yes on 8. Second was Latinos. I can't understand how groups of people who have been historically oppressed and discriminated against used their votes to do the same.

Yesterday, while on the train a group of teenagers got on and started yelling in all the white passengers faces about Obama and how white people are now doomed. Awesome. I feel the unity.

They asked me who I voted for, and were appalled when I didn't say Obamessiah. I told them Cynthia McKinney, a black woman. Their heads almost exploded.

Then they went on to bash gay people and one guy said he doesn't want to have to explain to his kids about a man loving a man.

The same way you explain a man loving a woman. Asshole.

I think of all the gay people who campaigned to get out the vote for Obama, only to have those votes take away their rights.

Anyway. I'll get off my soap box now and go back to being the funny, yet unequal girl and relay the humor in all of this, which is my job.

Most of my straight friends are more pissed off about this than I was.
I had many hilarious texts, voicemails and experiences.

Number one was Mary seeing some yes on 8 protesters, "Karen, is that what we're voting no on?". Uh, yeah I say, having no idea how delightful the next 15 seconds would be.

Mary slowed down, rolled down her window and shouted "No!!" I was so shocked, all I could do was shakily voiced shout "ddeeffiiinitteellyy voting nnno." Mare stole the show. As we drove away, she said "We totally took them off guard."

Then there's Julia telling a group of yes on h8ters to "Go back to the mid west"

I got this text: "Dude I just totally saw protesters for yes on prop 8 and I honked and flipped them off in your honor."

And this message "I was in weho for the halloween parade and saw a car with yes on 8 sticker. I yelled "Yes ON 8?" and poked my finger at the person in the back seat and imagined it was a dagger in their fat face. Then the guy behind me broke his wand on their trunk." Perfect.

In the words of Ryan Garton "I look to history for a sense of perspective. We gonna be aiiiight in the end." He's right, evolution is inevitable.

For those of you who voted yes, I'll pray for you. Or see you in hell

Sunny G Fall Olympics 2008

This is the first entry in a series called "The Dick and Mary Smith Olympics."

I will think of a game and have my parents compete, whether they know it or not. I'm not sure what the prize or point will be, except for pitting them against each other.

I can't wait until my parents are way older and I can really mess with them.

Our first challenge is, "Animal Cracker, Your Mind is Cracked"

I bought some Animal Crackers (vegan, of course, which is kinda ironic). I started off by just shoving those fuckers in my mouth, but I peered over at my dad who was in need of some interaction. And when I say interaction, I mean he was completely focused on watching his favorite show, NCIS, and I needed attention.

I said, "Dad, let's play a game. Guess the animal. I shove my hand in front of his face. What is it?"

"Seal!" he says

"Nice, Pops. You're not as old as you appear."

Next, I hold this one upside down...

"What the hell is that?!" he grabs it outta my hand, turns it right side up, "A kangaroo?!"

"Alright, how bout this one?"


"A birdhouse!"

"Whoa, Dad! These are Animal Crackers, not Animal House Crackers!"

My mom sits down, I announce the beginning of the Dick and Mary Olympics. Dick just continues to watch TV and never acknowledges me, until I say, "Okay mom, get ready for challenge #1, Dad pretty much already lost."

"Story of my life." me mumbles.

"Okay mom, what animal is this?"


"Giraffe."

"Wow, you already blasted Dad outta the water, he said birdhouse!" I say as my mom laughs her ass off and my dad sighs and continues to watch NCIS.

Then she gets the seal right, then I show her the Kangaroo.

"A monkey??!" she says as she makes a monkey gesture, scratching her arm pits.

"What?! Mom, no! Its a kangaroo. You and Dick are totally tied!"

So the results of the first challenge in the Dick and Mary Smith Olympics are a tie.

Do you have any game suggestions? Please send them to me here, or on facebook, or on IM or however else you tell me I need to update my blog more often. Thanks!

Right Back Atcha, Mare!

A few weeks ago, I finally convinced my parents to get high speed internet. I couldn't take the dial-up anymore.

Mary just about lost her marbles when I told her she didn't need to pay for AOL to get on the internet anymore. My dad nodded in agreement, like he always knew, even though they've been paying 30 bucks a month to AOL for like 10 years.

Amazingly, having wireless internet in the house leads my mom to believe that she now has the power of the internet where ever she goes. Like to the mall, or to get her oil changed, or while walking the dog. She thinks because she's paid for internet in THE HOUSE, it follows her and she should be able to CHECK HER EMAIL anywhere.

She brought along her laptop to the mall and thinks that while she's there, she can hook onto our network, AT HOME. IN SUNNY G. I can just imagine her in Sears, trying to get a signal...

All she does is check her email, that's it. That's all the internet is to her. Mail from the future. Future Mail. I didn't tell her differently, that she'd be out of our network range, I'll let her learn the hard way.

Like the time she let me learn the hard way and bought VO5 hot oil, microwaved that shit and tried it out on my scalp before hers!

It was like that feeling you get when you wash your hair with LAVA, ya know what I'm talking about? Oh you don't? Because your mom never abused you with product? I still have burn scars from that! I looked like DJ AM (too early?)

Wait till Mary finds out about blackberries! It will be like showing a caveman a Big Mac. (I mean not only because of the not having to personally kill your food, but because they don't know what special sauce is and it would probably be really good to their ancient taste buds)


PS the box says "reduces frizz." That's the most honest adversiting yet, you're lucky if you can grow hair again.

Rejector the Inspector

Mary does super cool things for me that I usually don't appreciate until I realize that I'm being a bitch for not appreciating all the super cool things she does for me.

For instance: I asked Mary if she had any mouthwash. Simple question. She said "no." Simple answer.

When I got home from work that night, there was some mouthwash waiting for me in the bathroom! Awww, how nice!

Yeah, it's really nice, except the part where she bought me mouthwash:



Dear Mom,

Thanks for the thoughtful personal hygiene item, however, there are some things I should point out. I realize that this was probably the cheapest mouthwash in the aisle because its called "Inspector Hector" which sounds like some pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Which leads me to my next and final point, please don't buy me things that I have to put in my mouth that sound like a pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Thanks.

Sincerely Yours,

KS. I love you.

PS: I'm 27 years old. And this seems like it would cause cavities, not give me "Top Secret Bubblegum" flavor breath.

PPS: Is that a speculum in the olde Inspector's hand?

Big Dick Smith

My dad's co-workers seriously call him "Big Dick Smith." They also think he looks like Geppetto.



This couldn't be more accurate, and I'd make some joke about my sister having a big nose back in the day but getting a nose job, so that'd make her Pinocchio, but if she ever found out that I told people she had a nose job, she'd be pissed. So I won't. Call her Pinocchio.

I'd like to take Dick Smith to the next level so I've come up with some versatile ways to use Dick. To sew Dick's wild oats, to spread Dick's seed. Dick is going to be bigger than "hella."


"I tried that product and it didn't do Dick Smith for me!"

"Quit Dick Smith'n around!"

"Don't be a Dick, Smith."

"I totally just got Dick Smith'd over."