Thanks Dad, now you AND mom have both called me a man.

In case you don't remember, and we've discussed this so you should and if you don't you have a bad memory. Dick looks exactly like Geppetto from Pinnocchio

and the following is our email exchange from today:

From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 1:46 PM
To: Dick Smith;
Subject: hi!

Hey Pops
Did you get a second job building toys on the google homepage?

http://www.google.com/


____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:11 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

It looks like you and me working together

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:12 PM
To: Dick Smith
Subject: RE: hi!

Great dad. Now I’m a little boy? Realllllly great, Gepetto.

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Dick Smith
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:28 PM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: hi!

I need to get my glasses adjusted -

Dick Smith

_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Monday, December 22, 2008 2:29 PM
To: 'Dick Smith'
Subject: RE: hi!

Or I need to grow my hair longer.

Madd Dog Mary and Dangerous Dick

Don’t mess with Mary and Dick. Especially during the holidays.
Mary and Dick were out with their friends Laura and Ray on a Friday night in San Jose for a Christmas celebration/event.

But Dick and Mary take the celebration of the Lord as an opportunity to rain havoc on all those who cross them.

As they cruised up to the shopping center, Dick spotted a parking space, so he, Mare and Laura got out to block the space until Ray could swing around and grab it.

As the 3 amigos waited, a dude in a GOLD Mercedes pulled up and said he wanted that space. Even though another spot opened up 2 spots down, he wanted THAT space.

They said no, and he then started inching forward, like he was going to hit them. Things got very heated and intense, with shouting, swearing and pretending hitting with cars, as the standoff continued.

Mary, who gets mad at me if I say “hell” or “jesus” then shouted, “YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!” (as Mary was telling me this story, she paused and said “Did you hear what I just said? (mouth gaping) I said ASSHOLE!”)

Laura, who is super Christian, shouted at the man, “YOU HAVE THE CHEAPEST MERCEDES THERE IS! IT’S A LOW END MERCEDES!”

People in the parking structure were honking and yelling and cheering them on.
Ray finally found another spot, and came over to join the sit in. As he came over, Dick said to him, “Whatever you do don’t touch his car, they can get you if you mess up his car.”

Yelling and intimidation and intensity continued until Ray finally told everyone to cool down and just walk away. They all agreed and as they walked away Dick went to the driver’s side window and wanted to tell the guy “Merry fuckin’ Christmas.” When he didn’t roll it down, and heeding his own advice, Dick PUNCHED his window.

My parents told me this story like they had just robbed a bank and gotten away with it. My dad’s had was swollen and Mary was walking around the streets of San Francisco with swagger. Like “Get the fuck outta my way, I said asshole this weekend AND stood up to a man for taking away my parking rights!”

She also was wearing red mittens that looked like boxing gloves.

My parents are in a gang. A geriatric gang that will fuck with you if you do immoral things like try to take their parking spot. Or if you don't hold the door for them, or for jaywalking, or for cutting them off ( while talking or driving).

This seriously happened.

Mary Hates Beyonce

We were just watching the Rock Center tree lighting ceremony and Beyonce was singing. As Mary watched, she spouted off several comments, while Dick and I just sat there, dumbfounded by her wisdom.

It was like Mary and Beyonce have a disfunctional relationship, where Mary verbally abuses Beyonce, but then tries to make up for it with less than adequate compliments.

Word for word, this is what Mary said:

"What does she think this is? New Years? She looks like a ho from East Oakland."

Beyonce hits a high note

"She does have a good voice, doesn't she"

(a few seconds pass)

"She's not married, is she Karen?" I tell her she's married to Jay-Z.

"Loser."

The camera pulls in on a close-up

"Wow, look at those diamonds. I bet that idiot Puff Dizzy bought them for her."

"She does have nice eye shadow, though."

PS Obviously, I realize that picture is not of Beyonce, but Oprah, but that picture never fails to make me laugh (like my blog) and I've had that picture for a long time and I've been waiting to use it. Plus I hate, I mean dislike Oprah and I feel now is appropriate.

NostraMOMus

Mary is a wise, wise owl. She knows about the world and all its comings and goings. Although many of the things she says seem insane and nonsensical right off the bat, once you really let them sink in and marinate, 9 times outta 10 she's right. I give you the following.....

Mary on dieting: "Everyone wants to be pencil thin, Linda. They just don't eat. They just don't eat."

Mary on the economy: "You can't buy a car, they're too expensive. Well, you might as well buy a car. The government is going to take away your money anyway"

Mary on saving money on bills: "Just buy an electric blanket."

Mary on terrorism: "After 9/11 the terrorists haven't had to do anything. We're terrorizing ourselves."

Mary about the World Wide Web: "Can I go on the Internet and find sounds.....like rain?"

"Yeah"

"Wow. What can't you do on the Internet!?"

Mary on sports: "Bowling looks easy. But it's not."

Mary about Dick Smith: "I swear that man has rocks in his head"

And a final gem from Pops:

Dick about not having anything nice to say and shutting the fuck up: "Its like I've always said, if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Prop h8te

I have purposefully stayed away from politics on my blog. This is an exception and I promise I won't discuss politics again, unless something really f'ed up or awesome happens again......

The only reason for voting yes on 8 that I've heard is some people are more "traditional." Well slavery was a tradition and so is missionary style. Do you only fuck in the vag, guy on top? I hope so, anything else would be less than traditional.

We didn't have to vote on your marriage. And if we did we sure as hell would have voted to make them a lot more fun. That's for damn sure. Chocolate cake, an open bar and dancing to "We Are Family?!" I can't take the elation!!

Also. I must bring up something that has really been bothering me. Black men were one of the largest demographics to vote yes on 8. Second was Latinos. I can't understand how groups of people who have been historically oppressed and discriminated against used their votes to do the same.

Yesterday, while on the train a group of teenagers got on and started yelling in all the white passengers faces about Obama and how white people are now doomed. Awesome. I feel the unity.

They asked me who I voted for, and were appalled when I didn't say Obamessiah. I told them Cynthia McKinney, a black woman. Their heads almost exploded.

Then they went on to bash gay people and one guy said he doesn't want to have to explain to his kids about a man loving a man.

The same way you explain a man loving a woman. Asshole.

I think of all the gay people who campaigned to get out the vote for Obama, only to have those votes take away their rights.

Anyway. I'll get off my soap box now and go back to being the funny, yet unequal girl and relay the humor in all of this, which is my job.

Most of my straight friends are more pissed off about this than I was.
I had many hilarious texts, voicemails and experiences.

Number one was Mary seeing some yes on 8 protesters, "Karen, is that what we're voting no on?". Uh, yeah I say, having no idea how delightful the next 15 seconds would be.

Mary slowed down, rolled down her window and shouted "No!!" I was so shocked, all I could do was shakily voiced shout "ddeeffiiinitteellyy voting nnno." Mare stole the show. As we drove away, she said "We totally took them off guard."

Then there's Julia telling a group of yes on h8ters to "Go back to the mid west"

I got this text: "Dude I just totally saw protesters for yes on prop 8 and I honked and flipped them off in your honor."

And this message "I was in weho for the halloween parade and saw a car with yes on 8 sticker. I yelled "Yes ON 8?" and poked my finger at the person in the back seat and imagined it was a dagger in their fat face. Then the guy behind me broke his wand on their trunk." Perfect.

In the words of Ryan Garton "I look to history for a sense of perspective. We gonna be aiiiight in the end." He's right, evolution is inevitable.

For those of you who voted yes, I'll pray for you. Or see you in hell

Sunny G Fall Olympics 2008

This is the first entry in a series called "The Dick and Mary Smith Olympics."

I will think of a game and have my parents compete, whether they know it or not. I'm not sure what the prize or point will be, except for pitting them against each other.

I can't wait until my parents are way older and I can really mess with them.

Our first challenge is, "Animal Cracker, Your Mind is Cracked"

I bought some Animal Crackers (vegan, of course, which is kinda ironic). I started off by just shoving those fuckers in my mouth, but I peered over at my dad who was in need of some interaction. And when I say interaction, I mean he was completely focused on watching his favorite show, NCIS, and I needed attention.

I said, "Dad, let's play a game. Guess the animal. I shove my hand in front of his face. What is it?"

"Seal!" he says

"Nice, Pops. You're not as old as you appear."

Next, I hold this one upside down...

"What the hell is that?!" he grabs it outta my hand, turns it right side up, "A kangaroo?!"

"Alright, how bout this one?"


"A birdhouse!"

"Whoa, Dad! These are Animal Crackers, not Animal House Crackers!"

My mom sits down, I announce the beginning of the Dick and Mary Olympics. Dick just continues to watch TV and never acknowledges me, until I say, "Okay mom, get ready for challenge #1, Dad pretty much already lost."

"Story of my life." me mumbles.

"Okay mom, what animal is this?"


"Giraffe."

"Wow, you already blasted Dad outta the water, he said birdhouse!" I say as my mom laughs her ass off and my dad sighs and continues to watch NCIS.

Then she gets the seal right, then I show her the Kangaroo.

"A monkey??!" she says as she makes a monkey gesture, scratching her arm pits.

"What?! Mom, no! Its a kangaroo. You and Dick are totally tied!"

So the results of the first challenge in the Dick and Mary Smith Olympics are a tie.

Do you have any game suggestions? Please send them to me here, or on facebook, or on IM or however else you tell me I need to update my blog more often. Thanks!

Right Back Atcha, Mare!

A few weeks ago, I finally convinced my parents to get high speed internet. I couldn't take the dial-up anymore.

Mary just about lost her marbles when I told her she didn't need to pay for AOL to get on the internet anymore. My dad nodded in agreement, like he always knew, even though they've been paying 30 bucks a month to AOL for like 10 years.

Amazingly, having wireless internet in the house leads my mom to believe that she now has the power of the internet where ever she goes. Like to the mall, or to get her oil changed, or while walking the dog. She thinks because she's paid for internet in THE HOUSE, it follows her and she should be able to CHECK HER EMAIL anywhere.

She brought along her laptop to the mall and thinks that while she's there, she can hook onto our network, AT HOME. IN SUNNY G. I can just imagine her in Sears, trying to get a signal...

All she does is check her email, that's it. That's all the internet is to her. Mail from the future. Future Mail. I didn't tell her differently, that she'd be out of our network range, I'll let her learn the hard way.

Like the time she let me learn the hard way and bought VO5 hot oil, microwaved that shit and tried it out on my scalp before hers!

It was like that feeling you get when you wash your hair with LAVA, ya know what I'm talking about? Oh you don't? Because your mom never abused you with product? I still have burn scars from that! I looked like DJ AM (too early?)

Wait till Mary finds out about blackberries! It will be like showing a caveman a Big Mac. (I mean not only because of the not having to personally kill your food, but because they don't know what special sauce is and it would probably be really good to their ancient taste buds)


PS the box says "reduces frizz." That's the most honest adversiting yet, you're lucky if you can grow hair again.

Rejector the Inspector

Mary does super cool things for me that I usually don't appreciate until I realize that I'm being a bitch for not appreciating all the super cool things she does for me.

For instance: I asked Mary if she had any mouthwash. Simple question. She said "no." Simple answer.

When I got home from work that night, there was some mouthwash waiting for me in the bathroom! Awww, how nice!

Yeah, it's really nice, except the part where she bought me mouthwash:



Dear Mom,

Thanks for the thoughtful personal hygiene item, however, there are some things I should point out. I realize that this was probably the cheapest mouthwash in the aisle because its called "Inspector Hector" which sounds like some pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Which leads me to my next and final point, please don't buy me things that I have to put in my mouth that sound like a pervy guy pretending to be a GYNO in a dirty Tijuana back alley. Thanks.

Sincerely Yours,

KS. I love you.

PS: I'm 27 years old. And this seems like it would cause cavities, not give me "Top Secret Bubblegum" flavor breath.

PPS: Is that a speculum in the olde Inspector's hand?

Big Dick Smith

My dad's co-workers seriously call him "Big Dick Smith." They also think he looks like Geppetto.



This couldn't be more accurate, and I'd make some joke about my sister having a big nose back in the day but getting a nose job, so that'd make her Pinocchio, but if she ever found out that I told people she had a nose job, she'd be pissed. So I won't. Call her Pinocchio.

I'd like to take Dick Smith to the next level so I've come up with some versatile ways to use Dick. To sew Dick's wild oats, to spread Dick's seed. Dick is going to be bigger than "hella."


"I tried that product and it didn't do Dick Smith for me!"

"Quit Dick Smith'n around!"

"Don't be a Dick, Smith."

"I totally just got Dick Smith'd over."

I shouldn'ta left you, without a dope beat to step to

Things I've been told in the past week:

1) Kelly Deez told me I need to single handedly bring back the skirt overall. Which I am considering. But based on the above picture, the hipsters are already after it.

2) Genius Stacy suggested that my mom call Tappy 2, "Mr. Tapps." I mistakenly made the suggestion, so now Mary's saying "Mr Tapps!" and pointing at Shadow left and right. Thanks Stace. But I will say, Mr. Tapps is clearly the name of a tap dancing dog that would absolutely wear a top hat.

3) Yesterday morning my mom said she needed to take Tappy to get his nails trimmed, and then did a tap dancing gesture with her hands for 20 seconds too long.

4) Yesterday evening she told me that "Tappy got his nails trimmed" accompanied by the hand tap dancing gesture, but for less unnecessary seconds this time.

5) Mary said that she sometimes takes her blind friend's extra dog harness and puts it on Shadow so she can take him into stores with her. Once she got confronted by a woman who said "He seems too old to be a service dog." Mary said, "Well, they're training old dogs now." She missed her mark though, by not saying "You CAN teach old dogs new tricks..." However, she redeemed herself when she told me she puts shoe polish on Shadow's face to make him look younger. Who has shoe polish?

6) I asked my bro what she's up to and she told me this: "i was actually just getting kinda annoyed with you for not posting now that your girl's on the scene.."

7) Love is distracting. (GAY)

Fantastic Four

FACTS ABOUT THIS PHOTO

1) I think we can all agree, the real star in this photo is Dick. And his disguise. His glasses and moustache disguise.

2) It seems as though my sister was in a Mexican gang...which would explain a lot, or.......nothing.

3) Yes, I'm wearing overalls. Skirt overalls, and I'm having the time of my life, obviously.

4) My parents have this photo framed and hanging up on the wall in their bedroom, I don't know how they sleep.

5) None of us look alike, AT ALL. Total misfits

Tappy Tres?

Mary and Dick are finally getting rid of AOL. Thank god. Last night was the first time they realized that email is free. Dick had the revelation of "AOL is a rip-off!"

So this morning Mary asked me if I could help set up a free yahoo email account for her.

"Of course, what name do you want?"

She looks at Shadow and says "Tappy Two!"

"Mom, NO!"

She looks at Shadow again, he looks back at her, lovingly, I'm sure....and she says "Tappy Three?"

No matter how funny or clever I think I am, Mary ALWAYS swoops in and blasts me outta the water with some insane, incredible comment.

She's the only person that can leave me speechless. It happens pretty much everytime I talk to her.

Tappy Too? Two? To?

My mom keeps telling me that Shadow's name is "Tappy Too."

She calls him "Tappy" for short. And then says, "His name's Tappy!"

I can't describe how annoying this is to me. Firstly, the word TAPPY is pretty disgusting, and the way my mom says it is like she's talking to a 6 year old. With down syndrome.

"Mom, why do you call him that?" (I can't even say Tappy out loud)

"Because he tap dances." she says matter of factly, as if I'm supposed to know about the dog's extra curricular activities.

After a moment of disbelief, I say, "Well, he must only tap dance for you, because I've never seen it. Does he wear a top hat? And have a cane? Because if he does that would make sense."

"What? Sometimes I call him Tapioca Pudding."

She wins.

Sorry, Kelly....I've been um, distracted lately...

So I REALLY want a Cadillac. A Caddy CTS. They're awesome and nobody has ever seen anyone younger than 45 driving one.

Plus when I used to work for Warner Bros, one of the producers let me drive her car (get it washed) and I fell in love with it. I felt like a 45 year old black guy. With a good R&B voice.

So I sent this email to my dad this am.

From: Smith, Karen
Sent: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 10:29 AM
To: Dick Smith
Subject: dad!
I want a Cadillac!


KS

Here is his response:

From: Dick Smith
Sent: Wednesday, September 17, 2008 10:32 AM
To: Smith, Karen
Subject: RE: dad!

people in hell want ice water also - Good Luck

Dick Smith


yeah, you are a Dick, Smith.

Do you think I should get a Caddy?

Tales O' the Odyssey

This morning I had to drive to the BART station with my mom because she needed the car.

I drove because we were going to be late and my mom is pretty much terrified of driving. She thinks that danger, brick walls and belligerent drivers are looming around every corner and ready to strike at every intersection.

This is literally the conversation that happened. Let me set the incredible scene:

I head down the street and make a right, my mom is holding TEA in a huge mug and its splashing around. This makes for distracted and nervous driving, because the last thing I want to do is scald the woman from whose loins I sprung.

"Karen, a police officer will pull you over if you don't have your seat belt on!"

"Mom, my seat belt is on, what the hell are u talking about?"

She looks down, relieved, "Oh. And dont swear."

Just then a cop rounds the corner and Mary gasps, "Uhhhh Ohhh!"

Nothing happened. I wasn't speeding, he wasn't after anyone, but she gasped anyway.

Mare then holds the tea away from her body, a little annoyed at my driving the speed limit.

"Mom, I'm gonna have to speed, sorry, but I can't be late. Why did you bring tea anyway, are you trying to provoke me into burning you?"

"It's lukewarm." she dryly says. (which leads me to believe that maybe she thought I would try to scold her, so she made sure the water wasn't hot)

After a few moments, Mary breaks the silence, "I wish I could take Shadow into stores with me."

Me in my head: OH MY GOD! I have to blog about this!

Silence.

I stop at a red light. It turns green, I step on the gas, creeping along behind the guy in front of me. Mary grabs the handle above her head.

"See, THIS is what I'm afraid of, tailgating. If he slams on his brakes..."

I say nothing, just trying to remember all the amazing things she's been spewing from her psyche.

Phew! It was really intense and babblingly crazy but we safely got to the Bart station....without dying or 3rd degree burns.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil?

Mary has a blind friend, Maggie. My dad hates when she comes around. He was very open with this information, citing that she, "Just sits there."

"Dad, do you find it weird to hate a blind person, I mean, they're already blind, do you feel guilty for thinking that she's boring?"

"Whoa, I never said I hated her, and no, I don't feel bad about hating a blind person."

"Awesome."

My dad gets roped into all kinds of stuff like this, and has no say about any of it, he just has to go along with my mom's every whim. Like when my mom has "prayer groups" at our house every few weeks. He just hides in his room and watches TV. But, the prayer group is another blog for another day....back to Maggie.

I hadn't met Maggie until last week. I came home and she was there for dinner. My mom 'whispered' to me "Go shake her hand!" Which I'm 100% certain she heard because it was DEAD silent when Mary said it and I'm sure blind people have some insane hearing superpowers, like bats do. Blind as a bat?

I went over and shook MaggieBat's hand.

She was cool, whatever, but could see how she'd be a bit of a downer. Not cuz of the blind thing, but because she pretty much just chilled while her seeing eye dog "Delilah" ran around like a bat outta hell...see bats.

The next day, I asked my mom how it went.

"Well, it was fun, but she pretty much just sits there."

Great. I'm glad we've all come to a consensus. Maggs could learn some jokes, maybe some blind jokes, start an addiction, step up her social skills, ya know?

Then tonight, I heard my mom on the phone with her. She kept saying her name. "What do you think, Maggie? Do you like him, Maggie?" I know, Maggie, its just like I said..."

Apparently Mary thinks blind means deaf and slow, too. When on the phone with her seeing friends, she never says their names that much.

Things I Forgot to Mention...

1) The "Senior" community that my parents live in is called "Sunny Glen." Which coincidentally sounds like the name of a cemetery. I call it SG.

2) For transportation to and from Bart and other rendezvous, I drive Mary's 1998 Champagne colored Honda Odyssey Mini Van. One speaker doesn't work and the other crackles in and out if you drive to fast? what?

3) I got yelled at for talking during the season finale of "Greatest American Dog" and then my mom proceeded to cry when the winner (her fav) was crowned.

4) Its my birthday!

I Want to Love You, PWT

Over the 9 years that I’ve been away from the Bay Area, my parents have mentioned some weird/disturbing things that I have pushed to the dark corners of my mind and never acknowledged (like most of my trips to Mexico)

Well, one of those "things" was brought up today…..this one is worse than the time when my parents moved to Iowa and almost lived in a trailer next to a meth house (I’m sure)

They reminded me today that MY DAD CUTS MY MOM’S HAIR.

Holy shit.

After several “Wait, Mom, are you serious?!” ‘Seriously, Mom, are you serious?” “No, Dad, is that true?” “No, you guys, Dad really cuts your hair?” “Seriously?” I asked why and where…..

They pointed to the outside patio area. My mom said it’s convenient and you never have to make an appointment and it’s free. All great points, I’ll give her that, except my dad isn’t a barber or stylist and I’m sure he cuts her hair with a dull pair of scissors they bought from Pac n Save in 1988. Or just a knife and a razor. Or a wing and a prayer, I don't know.

Apparently my Aunt Evelyn has even been blessed with the stylings of Hair by Dick Smith, too. Which means he's offered his services to the family, or my mom has promoted him...unbelievable.

Just put yourself in my shoes, imagine your DAD cutting your MOM’s hair! Its weird and hilarious and absurd, but also makes so much sense that everything feels normal. And when I say normal, I mean completely bat shit crazy.

The only way this could possibly be more white trash is if he cut her hair into a mullet.


My parents couldn’t just leave me be with that info, but then they assaulted me with the reminder of their lunch ritual at Costco every weekend. I often got calls in NYC while they were at Costco, “having lunch.”

“Having lunch” obviously means walking around the store getting free samples.

“There’s so much variety,” my Dad says.

“Do you guys get hot dogs or pretzels or something afterwards?” I ask.

“NO! We’re always so full. We make several rounds,” My mom says as pops shakes his head in agreement.

Thank you Dick and Mary, for unabashedly living like its 1929.


PS My Dad said when my mom’s ready for a cut, he’ll let me watch so he can demonstrate. Yes, I will film it.

PPS Yes, that photo is actually my mom and dad...

This Conversation Actually Just Occurred

Me: "Mom, Shadow (the dog) is really weird."

Mom: "Why?"

Me: "Well, he never wags his tail or anything or shows any emotion."

Mom: "He's not weird, he's a good dog."

Me: "Yeah, but he IS weird."

Mom: "He's my soul mate."

Me: (silence)


Here's a photo of the happy couple, Xmas '06

Mary's Canopy, a Mareopy (sorry)

I apologize for not showcasing this right off the bat, but it has taken me so long to deal with it:

Here is a photo of the bed I have been sleeping in for the past week.



YUP, that's a CANOPY! And not just a simple canopy, but one that has wire frames that make it arch upwards. I feel like I'm in an oversized baby buggy, or a normal sized one and I'm super tiny. Which to be honest, is symbolic on so many levels, but seriously.

My very first reaction when I saw the room was "Dad! It looks like Raggedy Anne was slaughtered in here!"

"Who's Raggedy Anne?"

"Jesus Christ, Uhh, she's a friend from High School."

The Awakening

So this morning, I just couldn’t take it anymore. My mom busted into my room at 7a and signed on to her DIAL UP email account.

Since the computer is pretty much next to my head, it was like 1995 was shouting in my face.

“MOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I am sleeping! We have to have some boundaries here, you can’t just come in whenever you want. “

“Well I wasn’t being loud,” she says

“YES! Yes you were, because I’m awake now. I’m not sleep talking.”

“You don’t have to yell, the dog doesn’t like it.”

“What?! That doesn’t make any sense and I don’t care, Mom.”

“Well you should care.”

“Well, you should care that I’m 27 and have boundaries!”

I don't think my mom gets what I mean when I say boundaries, its way too new agey for her. And I'm almost 100 percent sure she thinks it means she has to stay a certain number of feet away from me.

So far I have been woken up at 7a in the following ways

1) Mom shouts HELLO through my bedroom window

2) Mom is moving the trash cans from the street to outside my bedroom window

3) Mom moves the trash cans outside my window, again ( I don’t understand how many times trash gets picked up around here)

4) Mom is sweeping incredibly loudly outside my window, but it sounds more like she’s playing roller hockey, which I wouldn't put past her at this point

5) Mom checks email at an unnecessary time

Here are my theories of how she will wake me up next

Tuesday: She plants a tree outside my window
Wednesday: She uses a chain saw to cut down said tree
Thursday: She buys a jet plane so she can turn on the engine at 7a on the dot, outside of my window
Friday: She wrestles a grizzly bear
Rest of my time here: Please feel free to add your own……

Oh, Balls!

I awoke this morning to my mom shouting “HELLOOO!!” through my bedroom window.

“Oh my God, MOM! I’m sleeping! Why are you so crazy?”

“I was born into a family with mental problems…” she utters

“Clearly so was I,” I shout back, “and thanks for the honest answer, but this is way to deep for 7 in the morning.”

For some reason Mary takes this as an invitation to hang out in my room and read the paper.

Unprovoked, she proceeds to read me an article about how her friend’s house caught on fire and San Ramon PD and FD saved her cats Balls and Pumpkin by putting oxygen masks on them and rushing them to ER.

Its like perpetually 1950 in San Ramon.

Oh, and BALLS. Seriously.

First few Hours....

I spent about 3 hours total with Mary and Dick yesterday:
The following is a tally of what I was told in those few, but fine hours


# of times I was told that Northern Cal is in a water ration so I need to take quick showers: 3

# of times my mom said “well I just don’t know what you’re going to eat,” in regards to my being a vegan: 3

# of conversations about the dog and the squirrel: 2

# of times my mom told me to “don’t walk around like a rag bag.”: 1

# of times I’ve been told to stop swearing: 8

# of times I’ve sworn: 67

# of times my dad has said "its great to have you back.": 4, which I take to mean, "you’re not in rehab, and you’re a way better daughter." Finally, the recognition I deserve.

The Dick and Mary Smith Chronicles

I'm moving from NYC to SF, but first, before I find an apt in SF, I'm making a stop off to live/hang with my parents, Dick and Mary Smith. That's literally their names. And my mom's maiden name is SMITH.

If they were really funny, they would have named me Jane and gotten a dog Spot. Or named me Spot and the dog Jane. Spot Smith. hmm. And named my sister White Girl. White Girl Smith.

So, my parents kick off the excitement of me coming home by calling me and telling me that my bat shit crazy sister has "done something good for herself."

"What'd she do?" I say, already pissed off.

"Guess." my mom says

"What?! This is lame, mom, umm she went to a mental institution?"

My mom repeats what I said to my dad, and I hear them both laugh. "No, guess again," she says.

"MOM! This is stupid, I'm never gonna guess! What is it?"

"She went to rehab."

My sister's really into stealing my thunder, so of course, when I'm going back to live in the area I grew up and be close to my family for the first time in 9 years, she has to drama the fuck out and do extreme things like going to rehab. Whenever my next success is, I'm sure she'll suddenly go blind, or become Mormon or discover a new species.

"Fuck!" I say, "How long's she gonna be in there?"

"Karen, DON'T SWEAR! I don't know," my mom says

"Well find out! We got season tickets together (49ers)! And I want hers!"

"Well, your Dad and I can go with you."

"FUCK!"

Perfect timing to choose to go back to CAL. But I guess there's never a better time, just jump into the fire, New York Style.

Oh, and my parents have DIAL UP! and they live in a retirement community where you have to be 55 and older to live there and my mom said they have to hide me, which oddly makes me feel young, but not free.

Also my mom yelled at me that I can't skateboard in the neighborhood. I feel like Dennis the Menace already, and I hope to god there's a Mr. Wilson in the neighborhood. In fact, my sister's married name is Wilson...hmmmmm. This is gonna be fun....stay tuned